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New "Ragin' Wildfire" Ride at Nashville Shores Soaks Swimmers!

2008-07-30T22:33:00.002-05:00

Nashville Tennis Tournament Welcomes Return of Madballs.

2008-07-30T22:11:00.002-05:00

Area Cat Knows You Did It.

2008-07-30T22:09:00.003-05:00

Problem Vandal Offers Solutions

2007-02-08T00:32:00.000-06:00

Local Commuter Winds Up Sitting Next to Blood-Sucking Zombie Again

2007-02-08T00:08:00.000-06:00

Global Warming Only Suspect in Old Man Winter Murder

2007-01-29T22:04:00.000-06:00

Local Man Bakes World's Largest Brownie

2007-01-29T21:48:00.000-06:00

WKRN Unleashes "Air Assault 2' to Break News

2007-01-28T21:08:00.000-06:00

Photoshop Powerless to Digitally Manipulate 'Skinny' Michael Moore

2006-09-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

Area Man Acknowledges One Month Anniversary with Beard

2006-09-06T21:40:00.000-05:00

FBI Updates Most Wanted List

2006-09-06T21:38:00.000-05:00

NASA: Pluto Remains on Suicide Watch

2006-09-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

Local Tick Confesses To Biting Governor Bredesen, Turns Self In

2006-08-31T23:21:00.000-05:00

A western deer tick turned himself in late this afternoon after admitting he was the one that bit Governor Bredesen causing his serious health condition. "I kept watching all the developments on the news. I was so scared! When I heard the Governor was getting better and finally back on the job my guilt sent me straight to the police department." Metro Police Detective Rowly Kenser briefed the media in front of the Criminal Justice Center in downtown Nashville. "I am happy to announce the dangerous blood sucking parasite has confessed to the crime of spreading a tick-borne disease. Tonight he is safely being held behind bars, Judge Alan Cleveland raised the two year old tick's bond to one million dollars due to the severity of the crime, being a flight risk and being a threat to society"
Governor Bredesen's health continues to improve daily. No word yet if he will seek more charges against the tick. Sources inside the jail confirm the troubled tick has become quite attached to his new cell mate, Perry March.

High School Athelete's Impressive Track Record Plays No Role In Recent Employment

2006-08-31T22:51:00.000-05:00

Spring Hill's star athelete Brian Ross, 17, is mixing his strict practice schedule with a new work schedule at the Publix off of Highway 31. Ross has taken his track team to state twice and brought home the coveted award in 2004 as a freshman at Spring Hill Acadamy. "I was really quite impressed by his track record." Assistant Supermarket Manager,Ken Blockwell,39, continues. "But I will have to say that never even came up in our recent interview. In Fact, Laura (Bustamante) told me moments after he accepted the part time position about his winning streak at school." When asked about his job performance Blockwell quickly added. "His sacking ability is second to none, and he always offers to take every customers buggy out to their car, and most importantly he adheres to our heavily enforced 'No Running' policy. Heaven forbid one of our employees breaks an egg or bruises a bananna while helping a Publix patron."

Tropical Storm Ernesto Enters U.S. Illegally

2006-08-31T22:14:00.000-05:00

Tropical Storm Ernesto, the sneaky storm that continues to brew up tropical trouble on the east coast is under investigation tonight. U.S. Immigration officials announce they have been powerless in keeping the undocumented disturbance out of the United States. President Bush adds. "I appreciate all the hard work Ernesto has mustered up in the past week. It truly is the American spirit to go from a depression to a full scale hurricane!" With no action plan in place to protect the U.S. sea walls pundits think the next few months will be open season for more powerful storms to enter our great land without resistance. Police continue to chase this elusive storm but are strictly prohibitted from asking about its Atlantic origin.

Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney Gears Up for Reelection

2006-05-02T23:29:00.000-05:00

Embarrassed Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods Arrive to Work Wearing Same Jacket

2006-04-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

New "Sumo Night" at Barnhill's Buffet Huge Success

2006-04-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

Young Iceberg to Celebrate Bar Mitzvah

2006-03-28T00:24:00.000-06:00

Area Ape Becomes Area Man

2006-03-27T23:57:00.000-06:00

Breaking News: Los Angeles Named Mexico's New Capital

2006-03-27T23:47:00.000-06:00

Student Driver Ruins Race

2006-03-24T22:35:00.000-06:00

Asia's Tallest Woman Prominently Displayed at Local Car Dealership

2006-03-19T22:21:00.000-06:00

Area Woman Falls for Lovable Robot

2006-03-15T22:06:00.000-06:00

"It was love at first byte." Maria Hutchinson, 36, reminisces about the first time she spotted Kunar 4000 across a crowded bar. "He had captured the heart of every woman who witnessed his version of "the robot" dance. He looked like such a dork! But I just had to meet him!"
According to sources close to the free spirited robot, apparently this is his first appearance back on the bar scene in three years. A rocky relationship with a Tandy RSV3200 was brought to a sudden end six months ago, this after both realizing they were just too incompatible.
"Maria caught my capturing device the second I injested her sweet uncompressed audio." the blushing robot continues."But then again it may have just been the booze."
Patrons of Club Paradise noticed the charming couple on the dance floor, then next to the bar and finally one onlooker saw them leaving together hand in armatron.
Freelance photographer Gordon Murray caught the two at the Nashville Downtown Holiday Inn Express after news of their elope quickly spread. "I was just at the right place at the right time" Murray adds."I bet their kid will be like that Small Wonder chick!"

TiVo Pauses Local Shopper

2006-03-08T22:30:00.000-06:00

In a world where life comes at you fast, area TivO SN#345328A34Z discovered a way to make time stand still,rewind,move forward even schedule when important events in its life happen. "I was just sitting there at (the Cool Springs) Best Buy waiting to be picked up like the other (TiVo SN#547348A92Y, TivO SN#99823N31M) guys on the shelf." The digital video recording device recalls. "Then I remembered my remote!"
While wrestling around inside the box, the new and improved VCR found the clicker. "It was wild! I got to fast forward through my long day, even through all of the sales pitches the electronics team pitched to wide-eyed customers. I even put some old guy on pause for like twenty minutes just so I could do something else!"

Court Artist Arrested After Obvious LSD Trip

2006-03-03T23:30:00.000-06:00

Vanilla Ice Goes 'Neopolitan'

2006-02-20T20:28:00.000-06:00

Male Voice on Local Car's Navigation System Refuses to Admit Being Lost

2006-02-13T22:23:00.000-06:00

Cheney Accidentally Shoots Cupid in Archery Accident

2006-02-12T22:11:00.000-06:00

Sources close to St. Valentine reveal Vice President, Dick Cheney, accidentally shot Cupid, the lovable angel who, for centuries, has been spreading love to the world with the prick of an arrow, during a turkey hunting expedition. A spokesperson for Cupid tells The News from Nashville that early reports are true and adds the two were on a weekend hunting and personal reflection retreat, in an effort for the harsh and strict Cheney to become more "lovable" and show his "softer side."
The Vice President's traveling staff quickly administered CPR and medical aid to the fallen love maker, until paramedics arrived. Cupid is said to be in stable condition at Williamson Medical Center and is expected to make a full recovery. However, in honor of the bedridden match maker, Valentine's Day will be pushed back to Cupid's release date of February 17th.

Environmentalist: Depletion of Blogosphere Responsible for Global Warming

2006-02-12T21:35:00.000-06:00

Green Hills Woman Severely Injured After Nose Picking Incident

2006-02-08T22:01:00.000-06:00

File: Maria Hallibido, Green Hills Fashion and Freak Show 1999

Fiona Apple Rises From Dead to Attend 48th Annual Grammy Awards

2006-02-08T21:54:00.000-06:00

Marmaduke Really Does It This Time

2006-02-05T01:15:00.000-06:00

Astronaut Attempts Suicide By Jumping Off Space Station

2006-02-04T12:07:00.000-06:00

In what appears to be the worlds highest suicide attempt, Hugo Corella, told fellow astronauts he had had enough. Sources inside the orbiting International Space Station reveal. "We all were like oh man he's really doing it! Before anyone could stop him he was floating away in space." A fellow crew member who wants to be left anonymous tells The News from Nashville.
What Corella thought would be his final meal consisted of a delicious space burger, space ice cream sandwich and Tang, all vacuumed into Corella's space suit for what could have been his last consumption.
"We told our Commander just to steer the Station a little to the left and that did the trick, he didn't get far before we cut him off and pulled him back in."
A relieved Corella told his crew mates he just had a lot on his mind and needed some fresh air.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito Wows Nation with Sock Puppet Schtick

2006-02-03T22:52:00.000-06:00

Wheelchair Water Skiing Proven Unsuccessful, Deadly

2006-02-02T22:32:00.000-06:00

Area Man Prepares for Shopping Spree at Dollar General

2006-02-02T22:20:00.000-06:00

Marc Chung, a computer programmer for Tennessee Systems Inc., cashed his biweekly check for a much anticipated shopping spree at Dollar General. "I've been going there for years, you know to pick up a few things here and there." Chung continues."I always forget they don't take debit cards and I am always forced to leave empty handed. But not this time!" Chung describes his upcoming visit to the neighborhood convenience store.
"I can't wait to load up on Van Camp's Pork and Beans, Gain detergent, spackle, and Clover Valley Cola."
News of the shopping spree has store #436 in Fairview preparing for Chung's arrival. "We are making sure our shelves are fully stocked with rotary telephones, Styrofoam coolers and selected DG Guarantee cookies." Assistant Manager, Lonny Wallard tells The News from Nashville. "I've even instructed team members to brush their hair and turn their cell phones off for our important guest."
Chung is also thinking about putting a twenty dollar bill over a dozen dollar bills in his money clip so the ladies will think he's loaded.

Maxwell House Hotel Secretly Replaces Regular Coffee with Folgers Crystals

2006-02-02T21:32:00.000-06:00

New Urologist Makes Splash in Franklin

2006-01-31T21:27:00.000-06:00

Dr. Leonard Bowen,a recent graduate of Vanderbilt School of Medicine is now practicing urology in Franklin. With a flare for the treatment of diseases of the urinary tract in females and of the genitourinary tract in males, Bowen also brings his love of music to the plate. "I have always been a big fan of Aretha Franklin so I figured what could it hurt?"
Urethra Franklin fills up fast, usually with men. "I feel comfortable with Dr. Bowen." Michael Underwood, 47, adds. "He's really got a firm handle on my problem. He knows what his respect means to me."
Not to be out done, Bowen's wife, Sharon started her own practice, a breast and buttock augmentation clinic called The Supremes.

Big Fish in Small Local Pond Considers Testing New Waters

2006-01-29T14:05:00.000-06:00

Area White Boy Plays That Funky Music And Dies

2006-01-22T21:15:00.000-06:00

DMV Merges With Glamour Shots

2006-01-22T20:34:00.000-06:00

Driving has just gotten more glamorous here in Tennessee. Glamour Shots, a picture boutique studio, usually found in shopping malls, can now be found at your local DMV. "We have been getting a lot of complaints lately about long lines and shoddy pictures." Brian Mayes, Hendersonville's DMV Operations Manager explains. "Now while patrons wait for their number to be called, they will have plenty of dresses, tuxedos, jewelry and props to try on for their picture perfect driver license."
"It was so much fun!" Missy Foreman, 18 says "I was so bummed thinking about sitting their in that awful place with nothing to do but watch the paint dry. Boy was I surprised! it was like taking my senior picture all over again! I loved it!"
Tennessee is the first state the popular photography studio is doing business with, their bid beat out Olan Mills and Portrait Innovations. Texas, Michigan and California are reportedly looking into the possibility of Glamour Shots merging with their DMV due to the overwhelming success of their beautiful photography on Tennessee driver licenses.

Nashville's Population Chopped In Half After Reports of a "Chocolate City"

2006-01-18T00:22:00.000-06:00

Funeral Ham at Center of Murder Investigation

2006-01-17T17:06:00.000-06:00

McCollum Funeral Parlor has been in business for more than five decades, their promotional ham for grieving families is now at the center of a bizarre murder investigation.
According to police, William J, Colby, 32, was killed late Friday evening and detectives have identified a set of fingerprints at the scene. Martha C. Colby, grandmother of the slained man, is the only suspect in custody. According to a signed confession,times were tough at the Colby household. "We needed to eat and Billy seemed to be coming down with an awful cold." Martha tells police "I thought a free ham would kill two birds with one stone."

Ryman Auditorium Removes Historic Pews; Adds Theatre Seating

2006-01-17T16:32:00.000-06:00

A patron's complaint has lead to very big changes at the historic Ryman Auditorium. "I kept slipping off the pews!" Michael Bergshire, 34, tells The News from Nashville. "I am an avid music lover and I have enjoyed going to the Ryman for years, but my back always suffered!"
A spokesperson from the popular seat company, Backbone Theatre Seating, says their chairs allow perfect comfort for a perfect evening of song at the Ryman.

The Maker of 'Gravity' Introduces 'Gravity Light'

2006-01-08T21:53:00.000-06:00

In a world where diets are in and fat is out, the Creator who cornered the market in gravity, brings 'Gravity Light' to your local grocer. "We're really having a hard time keeping it on the shelves." Spring Hill Publix Assistant Manager, Thomas Becknell reports. "No really, it just floats in the air! It's very frustrating!" What seems to be a problem for store workers is a prayer answered for shoppers like Rita Norris, 34, " I have been waiting for years for a lighter version of Gravity to come out, just picking up my own jar has really lifted my spirits."
This popular item is used primarily for baking and balloons.

Future 'Looks Bright' for Local Psychic, Says Local Psychic

2006-01-05T09:16:00.000-06:00

Area Kid Witch and Wizard Visit with Dead Grandma

2006-01-05T00:29:00.000-06:00

In an impressive show of supernatural power, Bryan and Jean Martin used their witch and wizard status to bring their deceased Grandmother back into their very own living room. "Abra cadabra crem a la pier please let Grandma Jodie appear!" The two evil children proclaimed. Soon after the chant, Mrs. Jodie Martin, who died of clinical depression, appeared before a stunned audience of her son, his wife and their warlock offspring. "Grandma what's it like on the other side?" an excited Bryan shouted. "Well Bry, its a wonderful place with lots of beautiful people and scenery. But beware, I see all that you do! I'm there in your most private situations looking in. Like the time you stole those two baseball cards from the Circle K. And you Jean, I saw you kissing Peter (Gonzales) down by the lake! What if your mother found out! Oh I guess she just did!" The negative spirit continued. "Well not like she should care I watched her type her online profile on Match Dot Com, that was some casual conversation you two bit hooker! And you my dear son, its no wonder your wife is cheating on you, you and all of your Playgirl magazines! I could just die! Oh wait!" The two children quickly chanted their Grandmother back to where she came from. After her visit, Bryan and Jean were grounded for three weeks, their mother has found true happiness with an internet stranger, and their father remains in the bedroom closet with the door shut.

Upset Teenagers Taken By Prank

2006-01-05T00:01:00.000-06:00

Titans' Management Now Taking Extreme Action

2006-01-04T23:21:00.000-06:00

Critic: New 'Food Court' TV Show Way Better Than 'Judge Judy'

2006-01-04T01:13:00.000-06:00

Mr. T Slippers Pitied

2006-01-01T23:27:00.000-06:00

Explosive Flatulence Brings Date to Abrupt Halt

2005-12-29T23:55:00.000-06:00

After finally getting up enough courage to ask eighteen year old and Franklin High School senior, Anne Marie Ballard, on a date, seventeen year old Jonathan Heldrige had their entire evening planned. "She's a year older than me, so I was prepared to lay it on thick!" Heldrige's blueprint for the lovely evening included several much older friends so both could consume alcohol without getting carded. Romancing and dancing was next on the list after a five course meal at a popular Franklin restaurant. However, a combination of food, nervousness and excitement was too much for Heldrige's bowels to handle. "I told her a joke I overheard last week and as we both started to laugh, that's when it happened."
A great roar blasted through the bottom of the young mans pants, and to make matters worse it ended with a whistling noise like a firework would make. "I will never forget that sound as long as I live." Ballard recalls. "It was so bad that I asked him to take me home shortly after."
Whenever they pass each other in the hallway they always say hello. But both are always thinking the same thing. "Usually in that situation I could cover it up with a weird cough to try and recreate the sound, but this one, aw man, it would have been pointless."

Man Slightly Addicted to Using Oxymorons Catches Self Cooking Jumbo Shrimp

2005-12-29T23:50:00.000-06:00

Local Ladies Man Knows What Women Really Want

2005-12-29T00:53:00.000-06:00

Self proclaimed ladies man, Benjamin Lovell, 18 claims to know the path to a woman's heart.
"Guys, listen, don't worry about the roses and the poems, that's a bunch of sissy stuff. What really turns a girl on is a man's ability to play skeeball. Think about it, its not a game of luck its a game of skill. The complicated calculations that go through your head as you adjust yourself in mid toss making sure the twenty two ounce ball is given the proper force to land in the coveted "100" point hole is simply mind blowing, and she knows it! As the tickets start flying out of the dispenser, it tells your woman what a true stud you really are. The more yellow tickets you accumulate, the bigger your lover's eyes will get. Imagine what 35,000 tickets will get her! Keep on playing to make her wildest fantasy come true! On your way to the ticket refund center tell her all of the prizes you want to get her. Don't let that Elvis phone or the remote control monster truck distract you from the task at hand. Get her something really nice, yeah you know what I'm talking about. An oversized stuffed Tweety Bird! You go boy! Now that's what I call scoring!"

Stomach Bug Plans to Take Year Off

2005-12-28T23:45:00.000-06:00

A contagious strain of the stomach bug has decided not to go around this year, sources close to the bug report. "He's been really down lately." a concerned cholera morbus adds. "During the summer we were all talking about our winter 'going out plans,' but he seemed to be really complacent. I even heard him tell the avian flu that he just wanted to be left alone."
Dr. Martin Goldstein, a physician at Vanderbilt Medical Center urges the Nashville community not to let its guard down just yet. "The medical community embraces the stomach bug's decision to take a leave of absence, but you need to understand, we are dealing with many other seasonal viral infections that can be just as dangerous."
As the whooping cough and collywobbles take center stage, doctors like Goldstein fear that the result of the bug's one year hiatus could really end up being a bad thing. "It may sound like good news now, but with the bug fully rested and sick of watching afternoon television, it could mean big trouble around here this time next year."

Area Punk Accidentally Calls Girlfriend 'Sweetie'

2005-12-22T00:47:00.000-06:00

House Survives Fire; Owner Total Loss

2005-12-22T00:03:00.000-06:00

Emergency crews responding to a house fire on the three hundred block of Lee Mack Rd in Joelton heroically saved the home from further damage. However, the homeowner, Harvey Harrison, 53, succumbed quickly to smoke inhalation. "Good thing we got here when we did." Cpt. Paul Shreverock said, while wiping the sweat from his ash-marked forehead."If we were thirty seconds later, the entire house would have been engulfed."
Surviving members of the Harrison family rushed to the scene to make sure the single story structure was okay. "I don't know what I would have done if my home was taken from me in this blaze!" A relieved Connie Harrison, 52, who's now a widow, adds. "Things won't be the same around here without Harvey, but now isn't the time to focus on that. Our home has been saved! Thank goodness!"
Fire Investigators still don't know what caused the deadly house fire, but early fingers point to the deceased Harvey Harrison.

Local Jingle Singer Can't Get 'Roto Rooter' Song Out of Head

2005-12-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

Other Uses for Laser Pointer Deemed Annoying and Unfunny

2005-12-20T23:54:00.000-06:00

Local ACLU Chapter to Represent Satan in Christmas Legal Battle

2005-12-20T23:25:00.000-06:00

In a shocking Tuesday press conference at the American Civil Liberties Union's state headquarters, Victor Bean and Harriet Johanson announced that they will serve as legal council for the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer. "It is time to put this Christmas versus Holiday debate to rest." Bean spoke firmly in front of an array of news cameras. "I think we have a solid case, and we couldn't be happier to represent someone who has supported us since this organization formed. It's time we give back."
The first trial date is scheduled for June 6, 2006 (6/6/06), long after the passing of presents, the drinking of egg nog and the actions brought on by the yule tide spirit. "That might put a little chink in our argument," Satan replied. "However, the evil demons I will release upon each and every jury member should persuade them to slip into the dark side, where true justice will be served." The grinning beast concluded the press meeting. "Have a safe and happy winter solstice!"

Area Teen Excited Over New Ability to Grow Beard

2005-12-20T00:33:00.000-06:00

Local Art Critic Disses Daughter's Work

2005-12-19T23:55:00.000-06:00

Up and coming Nashville artist Alyssa Montana, 5, dreams of becoming a 'big girl artist' were dashed Monday evening by local Art Critic and father of the young child, Arthur J. Montana. "In real life have you ever seen a flower with blue in the middle and pink on the outside? I ask you what is that? The answer, of course not! No such thing! I don't know what her teacher was thinking giving Alyssa a passing grade. Horrible! Oh happy day is wrong! I am so disappointed, you have no idea! Oh crappy day is more like it!" An explosive Montana rants. "What if I were to give you this awful painting, what would you do with it? I know what I would do with it! I would put it in the trash with the rest of the garbage! Eyelashes at a fort five degree angle, yeah that's realistic!"
"I painted this picture after the plant seed Mommy gave grew into a beautiful flower! Oh happy day I yelled! It was a very special day for me." Alyssa who was quick to defend her artwork. "I wish daddy didn't drink so much of that stuff in the bottle."

Alternate 'Kong' Ending Features Nashville on DVD

2005-12-18T21:43:00.000-06:00

Family Slained Playing Game of Life

2005-12-18T20:51:00.000-06:00

A home invasion cut an exciting round of Milton Bradley's 'The Game of Life' short. Two masked men broke through the Anderson's house late Sunday evening, just as little Ryan, 7, was about to add a pink wife to his car. "Sunday night was always family night at the Anderson's." Harold Berger, close friend and neighbor for 12 years tells the News from Nashville. "My son (Gary) spent the night with them on Friday night!" A shaken Berger continues. "I guess this really proves that crimes like these can happen anywhere!"
As police continue their investigation they don't have many clues to go on. However, an early tally showed Francis, the loving wife and mother of three, looked to have been in the lead, with twelve thousand more dollars than any of her murdered family members.
"I have never seen anything like this!" Rookie White County Deputy, Jerry Garner replied. "She was just a spin and two blocks away from becoming a millionaire!"
As the community comes together searching for comfort and answers, a giggling Garner adds."Wouldn't have been funny if they were playing 'Clue'?"

Holiday Sales Slump for Xbox 180

2005-12-01T10:56:00.000-06:00

The word is spreading fast, but apparently not fast enough, over Microsoft's latest release, the Xbox 180. Targeted for the average American family with 2.5 children and most likely on a budget, the Xbox 180 claims to be half as good as the Xbox 360 which the manufacturer says is still pretty good.
"With gas prices being what they are we wanted to develop a gaming system that still serves a fun and unique experience for families trying to make ends meet." Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates explains. "Sure it's missing fifty percent of the hardware, but who's going notice?"
The News from Nashville went to the heart of our local gaming world. Our travels took us to the Game Stop in Franklin. We wanted to feel the pulse of this new release.
"It's not bad." Andrew Carrington, 9, comments. "I really wish we could afford the real deal. My mom says Santa is really busy and this is all he can bring me this year."
Robbie (Golden Thumb) Jenkins, Assistant Manager at the popular video game retailer thought the Xbox 180 would do okay.
"Boy was I wrong, this thing is a piece of junk, it won't even play my DVD'sI And DTS and Dolby Digital are out of the question. Plus what can you really do off of 256 Mb's?"
As of today, three game consoles have been sold at this one store alone. Nation wide sales are reportedly not much higher.
The News from Nashville's Tech Guide gives this gaming unit an appropriate 1 out of 2 stars.

Local Student Blamed For Recent Tornado Outbreak

2005-11-17T09:28:00.000-06:00

Amy Novechek,17, a senior at Paris High School was arrested early Thursday morning after her alleged involvement in Tuesday nights tornado outbreak. The small midstate town was one of the communities hardest hit. The severe weather left many homes in rubble,hundreds without power and at least a dozen sent to area hospitals. "I was just putting my science fair project together!" Novechek screamed as officers lead her to their cruiser. "It just got away! I couldn't stop it!! I tried my hardest!!" Novechek's comments were muffled while screaming inside the closed vehicle.
Harry Montell, a spokesperson for the weather service feels partly to blame. "I was a guest speaker at the school a few weeks ago. Amy seemed like a bright student and really paid attention to my presentation on how tornados form. I guess she just took it to the next level."
Novechek remains behind bars at the Henry County Juvenile Correction Facility, held without bond until psychological tests can be administered. Her next court hearing has been scheduled for December 13.
As for the small town of Paris, Tennessee, many continue to pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams that an over zealous science student apparently took from them.

Noid Successfully Avoided

2005-11-09T09:28:00.000-06:00

Pizza lover, Adam Dupree, 26, successfully avoided the Noid late Tuesday evening at his Smyrna home."It was really close, but the pizza guy got here with like three minutes to spare." Dupree tells the News from Nashville while taking a bite out of his piping hot delicious Domino's pizza. "I didn't even know that dude still existed."
The Noid was not immediately available for comment. Sources close to the 80's advertising campaign legend say he was last seen jack-hammering the ice off of a cold pizza, some Domino's workers forgot about.
"I've always wanted to meet that little guy" Dupree continues "But not if it would mean taking a bite out of a slice of cold pizza! I mean, come on!"

Izod Takes Bite Out of Apple

2005-10-18T10:01:00.000-05:00

The brand you wore growing up, Izod, wants your business back. In a not so brilliant move to line up their fashion with your music, Izod announces the launch of their latest business feat...the Izod.
"Everyone is talking about the Apple iPod" Waylon Meyers, Izod CEO adds. "We really thought it would strike a chord in the hearts and minds of our nations youth."
The News from Nashville caught up with some local teens to get the beat on the street.
"I think its pathetic" 15 year old, Marie Zarcotti says. "Seems like a last ditch effort to me."
On the other hand there's 17 year old Paul Hanson, he likes the new item. "I like the little alligator he's all fuzzy and neat. It calms me down when Im listening to my tunes. Its nice." Before he could continue a nurse at the Nashville Mental Institute interrupted and ended the interview.
"I'm not saying we're going to evolve like Apple does every two weeks." Meyers says. "Izod hasn't changed one bit over the years, and hopefully in twenty years from now people will still be listening to the Izod and will hold on to the fact, like our clothing, its a classic."

Used Car Seat Belt Excited About Protecting New Owner

2005-10-13T23:42:00.000-05:00

The seat belt on the driver's side of a used 2003 Toyota Camry is looking forward to many long commutes with new owner, Colleen Mathers of Green Hills.
"I will say this, she most certainly is a step up from the sloth who owned the car prior to Colleen," The seat belt explains. "All the other seat belts on the lot said I totally lucked out. I would have to agree!"
Mathers, a defensive driver, knows all about the importance of buckling up. "I feel naked, even if I'm just at a drive thru without it on." Since driving without a shirt on is illegal in Tennessee, the blushing seat belt still can't stop imaging what that would be like.

Nashville Medical Community Braces For Powerball Fever

2005-10-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

What is feared to be a nation wide pandemic, Nashville doctors brace for the worst case of "Powerball Fever' they have ever seen. "It seems everyone I know has come down with this greed based virus." Dr. Gerold Weinstein, General Practitioner at Baptist Hospital. "We are fearful those addicted to the thrill of the lottery may lose more than just there money."
With an estimated quarter billion up for grabs, 80's superstar Phil Collins tells the News from Nashville, "It's against all odds, but its a chance I've got to take."
"If there is any good news coming out of this so called Powerball game," Dr. Weinstein continues. "It certainly seems to be a good distraction over the growing concern of the bird flu which has the potential to wipe out the entire world."

Nashville Museum Displays Priceless Artwork On Refrigerators

2005-10-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

The Nashville Museum of Art and Science is showcasing some of the worlds most treasured paintings on top of the line Maytag refrigerators. "We thought by doing this we could really build self esteem among our nations youth."Brian Nelson, Museum Curator explains."This new children's exhibit 'The Kid-chin' has so far been a huge success!"
"It's so cool" Angela Foster, 8, proclaims. "Mommy always puts my artwork on the fridge no matter what grade Mrs. (Abigail) Newsome puts on it. I feel like I can be the next Benson Vin Gogo."
Security around these priceless pieces is known to get hectic at times. "There was this one kid who almost took my Marie Calendar's Chicken Alfredo microwave dinner...I busted his chops!" Security Guard, Alan Winters recalls. "I feel like a frickin' kindergarten cop, I guess this is what a GED will get ya!"
The exhibit runs through January.

Harriet Miers Now Part Of Your Complete Breakfast

2005-10-06T22:58:00.000-05:00

In a brilliant effort to tell the world just who the next Supreme Court Justice nominee is, the White House and General Mills teamed up to make Harriet Miers now part of your complete breakfast. "Since no one knows much about her, we thought people could wake up, eat a delicious bowl of Wheaties and read her stats on the back of the box." George Flemming, President and CEO of the cereal giant announced.
Both Republicans and Democrats right here in Middle Tennessee are excited about the new promotion.
"Not only was my breakfast full of vitamins and minerals, the stuff I need to get my day started" Paul Salomon, 32, Account Executive for Bell South adds "I now think President Bush is on the right track for the nomination. I didn't realize she was a cheerleading captain in high school. Thats hot!"
A newly released executive order has Miers now hitting all of DC's coolest clubs with party animal Paris Hilton.

Area Blogger Runs Out of Things to Blog

2005-10-06T08:53:00.000-05:00

Randy Owens, 19, revealed to recent visitors to his blog, "renttoowens.bloghead.com", that he's got a bad case of blogger's block. "I have been blogging everyday for months and I've never run out of things to post." A frustrated Owens published. "I've talked about my childhood, my political beliefs, religion, even my personal day to day routines. Is this it? Could it be that I have totally revealed myself and there's nothing else worth talking about? Am I that boring?
Owens found much needed relief in the comment section of his latest post. "We've all been there Randy! Keep your chin up and look deep within your soul, there you will certainly find something new and exciting to talk about" KittenSweat' wrote. 'Abbey1988' commented. "Great Blog! I will definitely bookmark this site! If you're ever bored check out my blog 'russiangurlz.bloghead.com'."
After an eye opening experience looking at Russian girls for two hours and forty five minutes. Owens finally had something to blog about. Check out his latest post 'You Won't Believe How Easy It Was To Buy Me A Wife!'

Woman Named Katrina Claims Discrimination at Work

2005-10-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

Katrina Robertson, 39, Business Analyst at Nashville Health Corporation, says ever since the powerful category 5 hurricane hit the Gulf Coast, she says the huge impact can still be felt in her downtown office, hundreds of miles away.
"I used to be invited to all of the impromptu lunches" a visibly shaken Katrina says."Now people seem to keep their distance from me like I'm going to wreak havoc on their lives or something."
Andrew Peters, 37, says he knows what Katrina is going through. "When Hurricane Andrew hit Florida people seemed real edgy around me. I thought my working environment would be at least tolerable as soon as Ivan hit last year, but no one at the office bears that name. It's been years, but ever since Katrina made landfall, my co-workers are finally including me in some of their lunch outings."
Although Katrina remains upset, as of press time, she has not taken any legal action. "I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that Vince (Lambardi) gets the cold shoulder when and if that storm heads our way."

Surgeon Reveals Emmanuel Lewis Is That Little Voice In Your Head

2005-09-19T23:39:00.000-05:00

In a recent volume of the Vanderbilt Journal of Medicine, Dr. E.S. Warnburg discloses, that little voice you hear inside of your head is that of child star, Emmanuel Lewis, known for his role as the perky and often times mischievous, Webster.
"I didn't believe my diagnosis could be true at first." Warnburg, one of the hospitals leading neuro surgeons, proclaimed."But running through several proofs of my theory, there is no law of nature that could disprove what I have found!"
Emmanuel Lewis, now 36, occupies the frontal lobe of your brain.
"It's been a pretty hard life since they cancelled Webster. Ma'am and George have gone on to bigger and better things. I'm now stuck telling you what you should and shouldn't do on a day to day basis. Where did I go wrong?" A distraught Lewis ponders. "I really miss all the old secret passages and hide outs at the home in the last two seasons, the one I didn't burn down with my chemistry set I left in the closet. Man those were the days."
As for that big business decision your having second thoughts about. "I wouldn't jump the gun. Make the buyer sweat a little. Taunt them with plan A and plan B...but keep plan C out of reach for three weeks. When the time comes, pull that trump card out! You will come out looking like a hero to your client and to your co-workers."

Plastic Army Men Seize Lego Town

2005-09-12T23:45:00.000-05:00

Under the Executive Order of seven year old Bobby Walker, ruler of his Inglewood playroom, a unit of his toughest plastic green army men swarmed his summer Lego project. After securing all of the major embossed highways leading in and out of the puzzled town, high ranking urban commandos smashed windows gaining entrance into the communications tower that sat upon the tallest building in Legona Beach, the Eggo plant. Once the lines were cut several Lego Men tried to defend the tower but were quickly claimed to their noble cause. Decapitated and torn from their body sockets, Lego remains still can be found throughout Walker's playroom. As the entire city succumbed to fire and smoke, the plastic green army men raised their flag and accomplished their mission. After a day of reconstruction the entire brigade was taken outside by Bobby's older brother, Richard. The evil thirteen year old tied them around an M-80 and the rest is history.

Another Local Man Suckered Into Buying Knives He Doesn't Need

2005-09-12T00:55:00.000-05:00

After working the late shift at Madison Computer Solutions, Harold Coon, 54, felt the need to unwind in front of the television set Saturday night. After flipping through his 74 channels of extended basic cable twice, he landed on Mr. Popeil's latest commercial endeavor. "My knives are in pretty bad shape," Coon adds. "I guess I could sharpen them but this guy says his knives will never go dull!" After 17 minutes of waiting for more, Coon couldn't help himself to the Ronco Cutlery Set. One toll free telephone call and three easy payments of $13.33 later, the culinary novice says he may have acted too quickly. "Don't get me wrong, these are really great knives! The 'Chop N Serve' is really handy but I've only used it once and I don't know if I will ever use it again."
Dr. Milo Greenburg, a Mass Communication Professor at Vanderbilt University concludes that Coon is not the only one jumping the gun only to be stuck with an 18 piece cutlery set. "It's the way they structure the infomercial, with the easily excitable and agreeable apron-wearing audience members, to the 'But Wait There's More' antic of reeling in the viewer with even more bonus knives."
When asked if he would think twice before ordering merchandise off of a late night thirty minute TV commercial again, Coon replied."I think I now have a good firm handle on my purchasing power, I chopped up my credit cards with my 'Chop N Serve', Hey I guess I did use it twice after all!"

High School Senior Rejected From Electoral College

2005-09-11T01:16:00.000-05:00

Brian Benning, 18, a senior at Lewisburg High School, got his first college application rejection in the mail late Friday afternoon. "I had heard a lot about the Electoral College on the news, I was excited because I thought, finally a college that focuses on electives not the core classes!"
Albert Allan, spokesman for the United States Electoral College was impressed with Benning's application. "He seems to have a lot going for him. Chess Club, Drama Club, Key Club and president of the Radio Club! A well rounded student like this should have no problem getting into any community or state founded college, just not the Electoral College. Impossible."
Once Benning's parents heard the news they took their disappointed teen to Burger King for a Whopper Meal Deal.
"Maybe one day I will run for King!" A hopeful Benning announced before taking a bite into his oversized delicious burger.

Columbia Toddlers Get Hitched

2005-09-08T01:10:00.000-05:00

In a fun filled afternoon, playing the popular "day" games on the playground, Monday was "Marriage Day" at the Baby Steppin' Day Care Center in Columbia, Maury County. Brad Jennings,3, and Carrie Demming, 4, were matched and married at a ceremony underneath the monkey bars. In attendance were several classmates including Carrie's long time admirer, John Birk, 3 and 1/2. "I thought for sure I would be Carrie's man...especially after last weeks 'Flip-Up Friday' episode!" A devastated Birk announces. "She even circled 'Yes' in a note I passed her, asking if she liked me." The reception was held near the kitchenette station inside of the Day Care Center, everyone raised their punch and cookies to the happy couple. The unlawfully wedded pair exited for their honeymoon on 'Merryl the Mule' and aren't expected back at class for two weeks.

Local Barber Sorry He Asked New Patron About Himself

2005-09-01T01:27:00.000-05:00

Borris Tolliver, 76, a Lebanon Barber for 42 years at 'Cut It Out', is sorry he asked his new patron to tell him a little bit about himself. "Usually they just tell me where they work and what they do at their job, occasionally which part of town they live in will come up. But this guy told me way more than I ever wanted to know! Stuff about his dirty magazine collection to the time he defecated on a park bench for fun. A real piece of work this guy."
The once bushy haired, 23 year old Cracker Barrel Host, Scott Landry, confirmed Tolliver's story Wednesday afternoon. When the News from Nashville asked Landry why he would reveal such random experiences and graphic descriptions of his obscene collections, he replied. "There was this one time where me and Larry (Jones), got an M-80 and strapped it to a frog. That thing blew up in like four thousand directions! It was so funny! If you've never seen that before I've got the stuff I need in my pocket to make it happen again!"
The adolescent ramblings from the twenty three year old went on for about forty five minutes prior to asking the simple question.
"He wanted the back of his neck rounded off, I gave him a block shave instead. Hopefully that will keep him out of here and become SuperCuts problem!" A disgusted Tolliver concluded.

Toilet Humor Upsets Local Urinal

2005-08-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

A Cummins Station urinal has pressed harassment charges against the toilet in stall number 2. "I come hear to work day in and day out, my job is hard enough without that foul mouth commode." The pissed off urinal replied. "I am hoping my 1.2 million dollar lawsuit will put a lid on all the dirty jokes around here."
After the toilet was served with the papers late last week, the urinals lawyer was able to use the toilets services as well. "Talking about adding insult to injury," a furious stall number 2 commode adds. "All the crap I have to deal with, and this is the thanks I get?"
The toilet in stall number 1 wouldn't comment. "I'm always the one caught in the middle, not this time! This situation is hard for any john to handle."
Fearing the splash back of a guilty verdict, the trouble making toilet agreed to clean up its act. The jokes have piped down considerably, and the two waste receivers have made amends and wiped the slate clean.

Area Donkey Becomes Republican

2005-08-25T09:20:00.000-05:00

In a surprising move, Darryl the Donkey caught pack members off guard by announcing he is leaving the Democrats for good. According to Darryl, a heated debate over the Cindy Sheehan situation on Wednesday night's 'Hannity and Colmes', really put things in perspective for him.
"At first I was a sympathizer, but after seeing how the liberal media is exploiting her for their gain just didn't sit well with me."
Majority Leader, Bill Frist (TN,R), welcomes the move of the departing donkey. "Darryl is a good kid, just because he likes to eat cans doesn't mean he ain't smart," Frist adds."I wonder how much it would cost to clone him?"
In response to Darryls move, former comedian, Al Franken, host of his own show on Air America, a left wing radio outlet, denounces the donkey.
"What a big fat idiot that donkey is. I mean is he blind?! Of course we're exploiting the woman! We've got to do something to get some ratings around here!"
As for now, Darryl has been ousted by the rest of the donkeys on the farm. "That's fine with me, I like watching the '700 Club' in peace anyway."

Local Toddler Narrowly Avoids Being Attacked By Kudzu Trees In Early Morning Nightmare

2005-08-24T11:14:00.000-05:00

"WAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAHAAAAWAAAA!" Mandy Mockerman, 3, screamed after waking up from a scary nightmare. According to her parents, shortly after 3:00 Wednesday morning, Mockerman's subconscious took over, and the monster like kudzu trees Mandy saw on her way home from a weekend trip to Georgia, were coming to get her.
"It was like something out of the movies," the toddler adds. "Their arms were up in the air and they were running after me. I tried to scream but no sound came out, I tried to run but I wasn't moving! Just before they were about to attack, I quickly woke up in a cold sweat! My high pitched squealing cry that is known to drive my parents crazy woke them up and they calmed my fears with hugs and kisses."
After calming the youngster down, Peter and Julie Mockerman turned her closet light on to scare away the Boogie Man living amongst the piles of toys. By morning, it was business as usual in the Mockerman's Hendersonville household.

Mr. Tea

2005-08-22T00:04:00.000-05:00

"I pitty the fool who doesn't try my oolong tea with my delicious oven-baked scones!", a less than dainty Mr. T shouts to 'The News from Nashville'.
From Rocky to the A-Team, Mr. T has found a new role right here in the midstate! Mr. Tea will open its doors to the hat wearing public in late September. This weekend's silent grand opening, according to T, was a success!
"The 'Blueberry Bang's' antioxidants really went to work. I feel more relaxed and clear minded." Gable Leventhall, 83, replied. Her sister, Norma Mae Leventhall, 76, agrees. "Gable usually takes about fifteen minutes to fill out a Jumble puzzle, she was finished within five minutes of sipping on the fruity drink."
"The only thing more golden than my hundreds of sparkling necklaces", Mr. T reveals, "Is the orange tips in my high quality black teas!!" By the way, T assures us that his "high quality black teas" come from Yunnan, a southern province of China known as the birthplace of tea. Oddly enough, when asked about his trip to the region, Mr. T says it was a real eye opener, mostly because he was able to sleep right through the entire fourteen hour plane ride.
So if you plan to "tea up with Mr. T", you might want to make reservations. Because there will be no muscling in during tea time.
"If you don't respect tea, T don't respect you!"

200 Year Old Oak Tree Dropped Off At Area Rest Home

2005-08-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

One of Middle Tennessee's oldest oak trees was taken to The Buzzard's Beak Nursing Home by its land owners, who say it was just getting too hard to take care of. "We love that old tree", Mary Youngblood, 32, 1329 Crescent Moon Circle deed holder replied. "Its just that we have a hard enough time trying to take care of ourselves day in and day out, all that oak does is sit there and stare at us, and demands constant attention from everyone living at my home."
Registered under the name Oakley Treemont, 204, it will now reside among the 48 other residents at its new humble abode. "I am really looking forward to the En-suite facilities, the treble bed wards, and of course movie night every Thursday at 4:30", the elderly tree commented on its new digs. The Buzzard's Beak specializes in convalescence and respite care, none of which the old sap really needs, but it says its looking forward to putting its roots down. "I'm sure all the other old trees are just green with envy!" concluded the mighty oak.

Local Man's Obsession With Red Bull Energy Drink Goes Too Far

2005-08-17T14:31:00.000-05:00

Arnie Carson, repair man by day and avid Red Bull guzzler by night, may have let his obsession with the popular energy drink go too far. In a valiant effort to bring the great taste of Red Bull to all parts of his life, Carson replaced his water heater with a ten gallon drum of the fizzy fad craze.
"It has the kick I need to keep me going throughout the entire day, now I can be sure my system takes in the delicious beverage, whether I'm in the shower or brushing my teeth! That tingle really makes all the difference in the world for me!"
His wife, Teresa, 35, and mother of two, is concerned over her families well being. "Those two little monsters have become even worse, this is the third time they sent Aaron home from school due to paying too much attention in class!"
As for Arnie, after the $823.34 refill in his new tank, he will be off to the pharmacy to refill something else, little Aaron's bottle of Ritalin.

Ghost of Marty Robbins Revisits El Paso

2005-08-16T01:28:00.000-05:00

The spirit of country music legend, and Nashville's own, Marty Robbins revisited El Paso late Monday evening. Night time would find him in Rosa's Cantina and so did the News From Nashville."I haven't been back to the west Texas town of El Paso since the early eighties, and may I say, there sure has been a lot of progress!" The friendly ghost went on to talk about area land marks."You know that Albertson's grocery store on Mesa street, while visiting on my last haunt it was a Skaggs Alpha Beta! And remember the bad lands of New Mexico I sang about, now its not so bad, unless you hate golf!"
Life on the "other side" has been very rewarding for Robbins. He tells me that he dances with Felina, the Mexican maiden every night before going to sleep in her arms. Even though he has been in the spirit world for years now, this famous apparition still knows a thing or two about style! He looked quite dapper in his white sport coat and pink carnation.

Crazy Yankee Fan Delays Backyard Practice

2005-08-14T23:37:00.000-05:00

10 year old, Bryan Willard's batting practice was interrupted Sunday evening by that crazy Yankee fan delaying his backyard session by four minutes. "I was really getting into my groove and then all of a sudden a stranger was caught in my net!" That stranger is, now well known, Yankee fan, Scott Harper of Armonk, NY. Ousted by New Yorkers, Harper registered for Fall classes at Middle Tennessee State University. His Murfreesboro home is located right next door to the Willard's residence. "When I saw that practice net I just couldn't help myself! Plus I wanted to see if it would hold my weight!
Emergency crews rescued Harper after a frantic phone call from Miranda Willard. "They (emergency crews) got here so fast Bryan was back to hitting the ball just minutes after the incident occurred."
Harper made a formal apology to the Willards late Sunday night as part of a judge's ruling. Scott Harper now faces local charges of reckless endangering, criminal mischief, criminal trespass and disorderly conduct.
As for the ten year old future baseball hall of famer, "I hope Scott has a lot of cheerleaders over this semester, I sure wouldn't mind catching one of them in my net!" Willard is resting comfortably tonight after his mother washed his mouth out with soap and switched is behind fourteen times.

Centennial Park a Century from Now

2005-08-11T15:38:00.000-05:00

A Wednesday night work session at Metro Council turned into an eye opening and jaw dropping experience for everyone in the hallowed chambers. Bronson Marshall, 46,Nashville's 2105 City Planner, dropped by in his time machine to warn city leaders of the future of Nashville. According to Marshall, a snag in the local economy in 2075 left parks and recreation areas on the chopping block. Centennial Park will still bring in curious onlookers, art festivals, and plenty of fun in the sun. However, the Parthenon will resemble that of the decaying Greek Parthenon standing in Athens today. Marshall went ahead and showed the city body how next weeks council meeting will turn out, so many went ahead and called it an early night. Also, information worth noting in the year 2105, the War on Terror will be in its final phase, and the Fox News Channel will still be the most powerful name in news.

Area Man Googles Own Name Only To Become Disappointed With Results

2005-08-10T14:12:00.000-05:00

Rudolph M. Derby is a successful Engineer and part time AutoCad Instructor at Nashville State University. In an effort to make sure his work was being noted, Rudolph (Rudy) Google searched his name only to become disappointed with the results.
"I thought I was out there making a difference in the community." A shaken Rudy tells the News From Nashville. "I even give time saving short cuts to my class to make their life easier! I mean who else would have taken the time to reveal that the awesome Express Tool LAYDEL will come to your rescue when your trying to delete stubborn layers in AutoCad?!"
But his Google search didn't leave him completely empty handed. Rudy is looking forward to receiving his derby hat he ordered in the next two to three business days.

Renaissance Hotel Joins 21st Century

2005-08-08T14:38:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to attract more business to the AAA 4-Diamond hotel, Marriott revealed a new look, and a new name for the former Renaissance Hotel. The Modern Era Nashville Hotel will now be equipped with all the modern conveniences many travelers are looking for. The 22 pound steel torch will now be replaced with an Emerson Steam Iron. Gone are the days of Court Jester entertainment in the 673 bedrooms, a Panasonic 23" television with cable and free HBO will now do the trick. Upon arrival you will immediately take note that the moat has been filled with concrete, and the 4 ton drawbridge has been replaced with a revolving door. "We understand that many people are in a hurry and we want to accommodate modern working men and women." George Carpenter, General Manager, goes on to say, "Regrettably, there have been many layoffs due to this decision, but we have to be competitive with the other hotels in downtown Nashville."
On Broadway over 650 laid off Court Jesters crowded the streets looking for work. "Tis a crying shame thou hast been giveth a pink slip!" Harold Francois XIII, 42, reacts to getting fired, "Can ye spare a silver token if thou playeth 'Tennessee Stud'? Marketh in ye binder, tis true in 7 half moons thou will be big and rich!"

NASA Sets "Ion" Saturn

2005-08-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

The Saturn Plant in Spring Hill, Tennessee, revealed their latest effort under the watchful eyes of NASA Thursday evening. "The field of space exploration changes every day." John Henderson, NASA Public Relations Director adds, "Our next mission will be to Saturn, and we really liked the idea of having the makers of Saturns help out in our efforts. I've got to say I am very pleased with the results!"
The 2005 roomy Saturn Ion XPS not only comes fully loaded with the latest space technology, it also comes with XM radio, which many astronauts are very excited about. "In the seventh hour you start to get real fidgity." Harold Crimson, Former Commander of the Space Shuttle Explorer points out,"It's great to know that there will be nearly two hundred crystal clear XM stations for us to choose from. It just makes the long ride seem quicker!"
NASA plans to spend at least 3,000 hours testing the new shuttle. Launch to the ringed planet is set for late 2011. As for the MSRP?
"Sorry folks this Saturn aint for sale!" A giggly Henderson concludes.

New Golden Tee Game Ignored by DMV Customers

2005-08-04T03:02:00.000-05:00

"Whats wrong with these people?!!" Jimmy Swanson, Director of the Department of Motor Vehicles,District 4, rants to the News From Nashville. "Everybody loves Golden Tee, all my buddies get together at least once a week to go head to head on the virtual links!" added the bogey golfer.
Its a fact of life, if you want to drive you will have to end up at your local DMV waiting for hours for the opportunity to smile for the digital camera to get your drivers license. State officials agreed that adding the popular video game in the waiting area would create a fun and competitive atmosphere. "I've been sitting here for forty five minutes, Irma Jean Watson, 68, chimes in,"and that darn Peter Jacobsen want shut the (explicative) up over there!"
Though there have been some takers, DMV officials will keep the arcade games up for at least another month before they talk about bagging the project.
Swanson concludes,"Here at the DMV its all about driving, whether its in your car, or over there on the best darn arcade game ever made. That's our mission!"

Metro Transit Authority Bus Arrests Two

2005-08-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

TennCare protests were getting out of hand Tuesday night. When police called for back up bus #145 (Downtown Inbound) rushed in to help. "I was just doing my job." The modest portal vehicle added,"Most people don't take the "Authority" part of my title literally. Unfortunately, these two protesters had to learn the hard way!"
After the incarceration, the bus put itself back into service to help its paying customers get around town. The two protesters posted a $5,000 bond. Their court date is scheduled for September 2nd at 9:00am.

Downtown Wonder

2005-08-02T14:57:00.000-05:00

In an effort to keep downtown Nashville looking like no other city in the continental U.S., Metro Council revealed the new look for our skyline in a Monday night council meeting. Minus the curves of Linda Carter, this twenty eight story building is to compliment the famous BellSouth Batman Building. The public reaction was mixed. Dwayne Newberry, 29, welcomes the proposed Wonder Woman Tower with open arms! "It's simply a beautiful monument to the sexiest super hero ever." Monty Barrell, 48, was not so impressed. "It looks like a giant Pez dispenser, this city is going nuts!"
Wonder Bread is still in bidding wars as to who will lasso the project, and Metro Council is considering a referendum so the voters can have their say on the building in November. Marilyn Hernandez, 53, adds "I cannot wait to eat at the spinning restaurant which is her head!"

Mad Cow

2005-08-01T00:49:00.000-05:00

"I am a mad cow!" Betty, Brand No.342, explains."I have been on this farm for years, and the traffic on Highway 31 is really starting to drive me crazy! It's a constant flow of cars and SUV's. I remember the days when a dozen or so vehicles would slow down and the little kids in the car would point and say 'Mommy look at the cows!' Now I get no attention at all. The city seems to be moving in, heck I may as well apply at the new Target down the street, I hear they are hiring! Now soccer moms come whizzing by talking on their cell phones looking all important. That's my big beef!! Cell phones! What ever happened to I will call you after supper?! Personally, I would never want to be that reachable. If you need to get a hold of me, you know where I'm at! By the way, I may look like I'm grazing on this green grass most of the time. But I watch you, as you pass by everyday in that sporty car of yours. Yeah your real cool, why don't you slow down sometime?! Oh no here comes old man Rogers, I have a patty brewing up inside me for that jerk."

A Wild Ride!

2005-08-01T00:16:00.000-05:00

The Tennessee Department of Transportation has joined forces with the Producers of the outrageous "Girls Gone Wild" video empire. A move that is sure to make a dull drive to work a wild experience instead! "It's getting harder and harder for us to go out on the street with video cameras asking drunk women to flash us without getting in trouble or beat up!" Jim Bosworth, Girls Gone Wild Executive Producer explains." We just thought, why not team up with TDOT and do it legally?! So far the response has been very positive!"
Since every media outlet uses these TDOT cameras to show where roadway trouble spots are, ratings have gone through the roof! "I used to never watch the morning news." Bobby Werthington,16, proclaims. "Now I've been late to summer school almost every day this week!" Werthington's mother, Barbara Werthington,39, is unaware of the new merger, but is excited about Bobby's new interest in current events. "It's been really difficult trying to get him away from the old 'boob tube' lately. I certainly hope his news intake will make him a better student!"
Look for volume 1 in a 5 volume set, "Girls Gone Wild: Look at that Asphalt", in selected stores and online in September.

Popular Radio Tower Making Waves

2005-07-29T14:45:00.000-05:00

Whether your driving in or out of Nashville on I-65 you've seen it. The oddly shaped tower owned by WSM Radio, Home of the Grand Ole Opry. Now you will soon see it like you've never seen it before! The eighty three year old Nashville landmark will grace the cover on the August issue of PlayGirl Magazine. "I just want to be known for what I am, not just for my popular programming!"
The 804 foot tower leans slightly to the right, but according to Chief Engineer, Randy Garrison, that's natural.
"I know I will never be as tall and mighty as WSMV's transmitting tower on Knob Hill, but I just want more people to know, where I lack in height I gain in personality."
Local religious groups aren't sure whether a boycott of the station is in order. "The tower has been exposing itself for decades, I don't see why exposing itself to a national audience is really a bad thing!" Jack Barlow, Pastor of the 5/3rd Baptist Church on Harding Road replied. "Plus I hear its now becoming a real lightning rod for the ladies!"

Local Pet Injured By Fallen Shuttle Foam

2005-07-29T14:18:00.000-05:00

A Brentwood dog owner is breathing a sigh of relief tonight after learning that Comet, his five year old Retriever, has awakened from a two hour coma. Comet was playing in the 3/4 acre Williamson County backyard, when a large piece of foam came crashing in on him from the sky. NASA has confirmed this object was the piece of foam that fell off the Space Shuttle Discovery in its recent rise into orbit. "He's going to be fine in no time." Dr. Harry Donaldson, Comet's veterinarian proclaimed."All he needs is a lot of rest, three doggie tylonol every four hours, and plenty of Tang."